for the girl, on her first birthday eve

my dearest daughter,

today is the eve of your very first birthday.

i swear you were a newborn for only two minutes.

and then the sweetest, chubbiest baby after that.

and then i blinked, and you were a toddler long before this milestone of your first year. 

but of course, that's just how it felt. i took many, many photos to prove the contrary. i just never feel like i take the time to savour the most precious moments enough - even when i stop everything i'm doing to take it all in, or take a photo, or tell the world about that funny thing you did. i guess i'm still finding it hard to accept that i don't get to have an extra five minutes to enjoy my most favourite moments with you.but enough about me. your birthday is about you.

you should know that the night you and your mom worked together to bring you out into the world, i was there to cheer you both on.

i had a terrible cold that day but i fought through it well enough to remember my favourite moments:

:your mom getting ready to push, and then pushing your little self through her with more than strength, courage, and conviction - but guts:fierce and raw. 

:your little head peaking out, and then your whole self giving way to the world.

: our midwives immediately handing you over to your mom for your first hug, your eyes wide open, ready to set your sights on the world. you had eyes only for her. and i don't blame you. you were both radiant, made new. transformed. we became your mothers. and you were here: our daughter.

:her first words to you were, "we did it!"

in the fog of my cold, i don't have many more memories of your first hours. i deeply regret not savouring the first time i held you in my arms. but i can tell you that i do remember, cutting your umbilical cord, watching you nurse for the first time, changing every single one of your first diapers, burping you after every meal, covering you in knits, and then putting you on my chest the very first chance i had, to finally lie down and rest on the little cot they had in the hospital room. i don't know how long we lay like that. my eyes were closed but i was so acutely aware of you: your heartbeat, your breath, your warmth, and the newness of your little soul. 

i wanted you to know who i was. that i was your mama too. that i've been knitting for you since the day we confirmed your conception. and that i will always do anything and everything to help you on your own path towards love, luck, and bliss.

i am more committed than ever to the same vow i made to you on the day you were born. what's more, i promise to live every day, even my grumpiest, celebrating who you are, and showing you how much i adore you, my daughter. 

i won't always succeed. i am not a perfect person after all. but i already know you're going to call me out on my crap. as you should.

on the day you were born, our family became a foursome. so every year, on your birthday, we celebrate this anniversary too.

happy first birthday my sweet girl. i am head over heels in love with the little person you've become in the last year. every day you astound me with how much you know, how much you can already do (what with the walking at 9 months and the full-fledged scaling at 11 months). i could go on and on about all the things i love about you. and i will, when it's just you and me. 

but for now, i honestly can't wait to see just how you're going to kick my mama butt in the year to come, and all the other years to come.

kisses + squishes = kuishes,

mama