Saturday, August 31, 2013

what he sees

at the sanctuary last weekend, we decided to leave the stroller in the car and pushed our babes beyond their walking limits. they did well but just past the half-way point, we found ourselves desperate to keep the kids walking on their own to the end of the trail. the boy kept the girl going for us (only too eager to grant her big brother's request). but when he began to lag behind, i offered the boy my camera.

he's been learning how to point and shoot, you see. and i'm hopelessly in love with the photos he took!

his sister was only too happy to pose for him, the darling. i just adore how they look at each other in times of peace: how much she trusts him, how innately he protects her, how well they play.

and i often wonder how he sees the women in his life, this only boy of ours: the only fire sign in a house full of water.

i wonder how he sees himself, this affectionate boy who loves bugs, dinosaurs, cars, robots, superheroes, legos, who chose a pink bicycle with "hair" (tassels) on the handles, and whose favourite colours are purple and pink.

and i worry. i worry because i didn't realize that although i've come to terms with my lesbian self, my gender-specific programming regularly interferes with my actual belief system. i worry because i find myself gripped with fear when i think of what people may say to him and do to him because he has 2 moms and happens to like butterflies and kitty cats. i worry that because i am afraid for him, i may not be able to adequately stand up for him when he needs me to, whatever my intentions may be. i worry that i won't be able to model being brave when it counts.

this is the thing i'm learning about mothering, you see. loving each of my children for their whole selves is easy. coming to terms with my reactions - facing the fears i've long thought i've overcome - and actively choosing not to apply them to their life choices, that's the hard part.

while i know my fears do not define who i am or what i believe, and although my parenting choices are not motivated by fear, i have them all the same and i fight them all the time.

because despite my fears, i believe that what the boy sees, how he focuses, how he frames his life, what he defines beautiful, what he chooses to do next - belongs entirely to him.

all i need to do is be there for him -  this boy that i love so much, so much like me, and so much more himself.  be. there. be brave (for myself). and stay open - ready, to see the world through his eyes.

excepting the photos of the boy himself, all other photos in this post belong to him. 

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